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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
Walmart needs observation decks.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.