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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?