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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.