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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
he who laughs last thinks slow
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.
In the South, they remove the `g` from the end of most words. Just sayin`.