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I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn`t even eat them.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
That moment when being uncool, is cool