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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.