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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out