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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Stop, drop, and roll isn`t just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.