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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Saw a midget go into a store while wearing a KKK outfit and thought... That`s a little racist.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.