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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.