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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.