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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Thinks that thinking about thoughts of thinking are too thinkable for thoughts to be thought about thinking, I think.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them.
This status has been censored by Facebook
Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.