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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Oh, honey, you have gone beyond muffin top. That`s a busted can of biscuits!