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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?