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The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.