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My salad pic. got more likes than your selfie.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
and alcohol are now friends.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...