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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.