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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
real eyes realize real lies
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
I thinking about how im disgusted by holding a gas pump but yet, I have no problem drinking my beer from a cup that ten other people drank out of, and a backwash covered ping pong ball was just thrown into it after hitting a dirty a$$ garage floor??
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.