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I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Always bring a stopwatch to church, guys. You want the girl that spends the longest amount of time in confession.
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.