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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
Iām probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.