Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
If you don`t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you`re probably the boss
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.