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I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.