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My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.