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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
you have lips ….. i have lips …… interesting
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.