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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
My mother always used to think that my friends were bad influences. ..I wonder if she`s figured out yet that I was the one coming up with all the ideas? ;)
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.