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I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.