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Please don`t hastag out loud...
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.