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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I feel like the majority of Eminem`s songs are just him reading from his diary with angry background music.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.
My misery likes tequila, not company.