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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Don`t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
life is short play naked
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!