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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.