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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.