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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
More people should be at a loss for words.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.