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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe`s poker table you`re too mature for me.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point