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Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I just read that burglars use Facebook to see when people aren’t home. So from now on, I’m at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
This sushi restaurant has the worst service. "Sir, this is an aquarium"
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch