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Partying on my level requires years of training.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.