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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.