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I want to spend the rest of my life photo bombing the Google street view camera shots dressed as Waldo.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
Crazy is not a destination, it is a way of life.