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“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
I took part in the sun tan world championships this weekend. I got bronze.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!