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The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. Iām flattered.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
Iām having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!