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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat And then I realized that he can`t even afford a washer or a dryer
I`m getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."