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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.