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My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control