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I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Guy test! find the nearest guy by you and repeat to him the following slowly: Door knob, Titanic, Gluestick, Kiwi, Opra Winfey, Shovel, Boobs, Remote, Battery, Furby, Glowstick, Beer, & Xbox. NOW ask him what he remembers before "Boobs"
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?