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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you’d like to put in on Monday.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.