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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.