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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.