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I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
I will stop loving you, when Spongebob gets his driving license.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.