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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.