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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.