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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
The last breasts I touched belonged to a dead chicken.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.