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Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
about love
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!