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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
I gave my boyfriend a glue stick instead of a Chapstick last weekend, and he`s still not talking to me!
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
I hate when the remote is way over there
My whole life is based on a true story...