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Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...