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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
that moment when autocorrect decides to ruin you and makes a text incredibly awkward.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Real friends show me their boobs
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.