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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.