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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
The judge says I`m a repeat offender, but he always says that.
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.