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I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.