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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point when she turned around and found out I was walking her home.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear