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Have you hugged you bartender today.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
is currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery ... who has something nice to say?
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I saw a cool bumper sticker on a back of a SUV . . . “Do you follow Jesus this close?”
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?