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Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves