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This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Sorry I cancelled at the last minute, but it took me forever to think of an excuse I hadn`t used yet.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
It’s a status….not your diary…
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.