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Jesus is coming.... look busy
When you are on a first date and she says to you: āI want you to treat me like a movie star,ā it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what Iām doing.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Iām going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people Iām going to haunt grows everyday.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.