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Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.