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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.