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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.