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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
I`m going to spend Valentine`s day with my ex.... Box 360
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.