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I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.