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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.