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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
For Christmas I just want summer...
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.