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Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
I just noticed me saying "LOL" everytime I`m laughing = facebook addict...lmao :)
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.