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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..