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For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.