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Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.